Many psychologists claim that shame is a very destructive force. Perhaps even the most destructive there is. It’s worth noting that they don’t mean a feeling you have whenever you do something wrong, but a toxic shame. This is a very difficult emotion that can ruin a relationship.
What’s a toxic shame?
Toxic shame is caused by an internal feeling of being imperfect. This can become a dominant feature of a person’s character and destroy their life.
The problem is that people who feel toxic shame are not capable of evaluating whether their opinion on this matter is right or wrong. This is because they’re too ashamed to find this out. Therefore, they constantly struggle, yearning for the part of their nature that used to be free of this toxic shame.
Toxic shame can destroy every relationship
Toxic shame is very dangerous for relationships. People who feel this are not aware that they have locked themselves in a shell, contemplating their imperfect nature. Couples which experience this problem have problems with closeness, they don’t talk to each other and eventually aggression steps in for love. People who feel toxic shame claim that they don’t deserve affection, nor respect.
As a result, their partners begin to move away and live their own lives. It’s difficult to blame them because constant rejection is not easy to endure. So is constant listening to how your partner is worthless. When there’s no way to help a victim of a toxic shame the other party begins to feel miserable too. This feeling turns into irritation, anger and eventually indifference.
Where does toxic shame come from?
The source of toxic shame lies in parents. The tendency to analyse your own behaviours is something you take after them. If your parents made you feel awkward because of your emotions, boldness or sexuality, there’s a big chance that toxic shame will strike you in your adult life.
Children who had been treated this way feel abandoned and ignored. This results in very low self-esteem in the future. What’s interesting is that psychologists claim that toxic shame may not reveal itself until somebody becomes a parent themselves. Once they walk into a new role, they begin to feel that they’re too worthless to handle this. This opens the door to ruin a relationship.
Author: Bien Magazine