Everyone of us has surely heard from our parents, siblings, grandparents or guardians, something that returns to us after years. This bad memory changed a part of their life in a nightmare. Unfortunately, the human brain stores everything that it comes across and happily reminds us of the bad things. Sometimes cruel, accidently spoken words can haunt someone for years. Bien magazine asks how do you control yourself and communicate properly with your child?
Try not to judge your child
If your child really annoyed you, did something unacceptable that deep down they knew they shouldn’t do, don’t judge them. Don’t tell your child that they are a liar or a bad person. Your child will not isolate it with the said situation, which caused you to be angry or disappointed, but will relate it to the bigger picture – perceive themselves as a human who is a liar or is clumsy. The analysis of your words will be: your child will be convinced that no one believed it and everyone is suspicious that it lies all the time. Or the child will understand that they always disappoint people because it’s clumsy that’s why it can’t spend time with people important to them because they don’t accept it’s helplessness. Just imagine what consequences could such simple words bring! We repeat one more time – children don’t think logically but emotionally.
Always talk about a specific situation
How should we then react when the child is lying? You have to then say: “I can see that you are not saying the whole truth” – the child knows that we are talking about a specific situation. You can’t say “You are always lying”. Your child will misunderstand you again – if you say they are lying, they will think that you never believe them. When they grow up to be a teenager and then an adult, it is very possible, that their reality will be based on lies.
Don’t threaten the child
One of the childhood nightmares could be information that the parent is so disappointed and angry with the child’s behaviour that they will leave and never come back. Those words said before leaving the house and closing the door behind you will create a big trauma in your child that they will remember this situation even after decades. The worst is when parents forget about those situations and they don’t want to believe their adult children that they hurt them with those simple and potentially harmless words and gesture.
Don’t ever say that you will give your child away or someone bad will come and take them away. Children will take it literally. This nineteenth century style of upbringing resulted only in traumatised adult lives.
Author: Bien Magazine